When I Am
by Gina Moriarty
Summary: Oneshot. An insight into the mind of River Tam.


**When I Am**

When I'm on my own, it's always confusing, always crowded. It makes me feel so alone. Like I'm in the middle of a room full of people who are all talking to each other so I can hear them, but they never want to talk to me.

I remember secrets. I hear a name over and over again: Miranda. In my dreams the secrets become more than whispers, more than words. They become pictures. They feel so real and I want to cry out in pain and despair, but I'm trapped in my sleep and I can't wake up.

Until Simon comes.

When I'm with Simon, the voices dim, and everything becomes a little clearer. I look at him and I feel relieved and happy that he's there, so glad that he saved me. But underneath that I can't help but feel guilty.

I feel guilty because he gave up everything to come and take me away from the needles and the experiments and the Academy. He gave up his career and I know he wishes he were still in that world sometimes, I hear it in his mind. And I feel guilty because I'm stopping him from having a life and being with whom he wants to be with.

He doesn't regret saving me, I know… but sometimes I regret asking him to come.

And when I feel that regret, the walls that Simon helps build in my mind weaken, and the voices come back louder than before. It crumbles my mind and I'm reduced to my confusion once more.

When I'm near the rest of Serenity's crew, I'm not sure how to act. They're not sure how to act either, I can see that as clearly as Mal's love for Inara exists – which I know I shouldn't see, but I can't help it. I see into their minds and know things I don't want to know.

When I'm in Mal's mind, I see the attraction to Inara, I see that he denies it to himself. He still hurts from the Battle in Serenity Valley, and I see why he was indifferent to Book, because that battle made him lose faith.

Faith. One of the few things I can never understand.

When I'm in Inara's mind, at first it's a haze of Companion rules and appointments, whether confirmed or proposed. Then, I see the inner workings. I see the disease that ails her, the medication she takes, and why she's forever youthful. I see her attraction to Mal and how she wants to act on it, though she knows that dating is not an option for her.

Dating. I wonder what that's like.

When I'm in Jayne's mind, I shy away, uncertain of what I'll see, so I only catch glimpses of him. I don't like trying to read him. But what I do read by accident, I'm glad of – Jayne has more to him than brawn. He has a brother suffering from consumption, and his family are poor so they can't afford treatment; which is why he turned to crime, to send money to his mother to pay medical bills.

And I like him for that.

When I'm with Book, I can see his faith in God, and I can see his suspicions about me. I can never read him because of that. He has a secret. A dark past. I know I'm curious as to what it is, but I can never ask and his mental barriers are too high, as if he's tried to forget his former life.

But I know that the past can never truly be forgotten.

When I'm near either Zoe or Wash, I can always feel the others' presence in their mind, because they're so connected. It interests me how they can go through their days without realising it, but then I remember that they can't see things the way I can. Then the voices start to get louder, and I concentrate on their connection, the one that originated from their love for each other.

Love. I wonder what that's like, too.

Then there's Kaylee.

When I'm with Kaylee, it's like everyone in my mind stops, and everyone looks at me, like they've only just seen that I'm there. I don't feel as alone when I'm with Kaylee. She talks about things that teenagers like me are meant to talk about. She tells me things I'm sure nobody else on Serenity knows. In return, I tell her things about mine and Simon's childhood. Partly because I don't want to talk about the Academy and that there's not much else in my life other than Serenity, but mostly because I know she wants to know more about Simon.

I see her attraction to my brother, and I can't help but want to make it grow. So I tell her things about him; and not the silly things either. I tell her about the good things he's done, the lives he saved.

When we're not talking, we play games. Silly games that I haven't played since I was fourteen. I steal her snack sometimes and tease her with it, and she never minds, she just knows that I want to be normal. And that's the best thing about her.

When I'm with Kaylee, I'm normal.


End file.
